SheasWarren

Feedback loops. In a nutshell, they’re loops that take an individual round and round in a constant thought loop. For me, it’s a constant thought loop of negativity that’s really hard to get out of. This destroys me creatively as an aspiring artist. I’m writing about this in hopes that someone who’s gone through the same or something similar may have some advice to offer.

Recently, I was messaging a close friend of mine. I shared with him a video that I had filmed on a whim with one of my other friends. It was about a salesman desperately trying to sell absolutely anything he could find, and at the end the salesman ends up killing a random bystander that had called the leaf he was trying to sell stupid. It had barley any plot and honestly that’s kinda what’s to be expected with things filmed completely on a whim. After filming, fully editing it, and sharing it to my close friend, I had mentioned that I actually wanted to extend the idea into a proper short film with actual plot. The message I had sent him read as follows:

“I was thinking of making a short film on a failed salesman who drinks constantly but one day he decides to skip out just one time. Then he goes through some more depressive stupid self doubt bs you know, the usual, then he finds a different calling. I just don’t wanna make it a film about quitting alcohol though, the moral should be to stop waiting for action to come to oneself.”

My friend saw this and had called me out on my shitty behavior toward myself in that message. He responded with:

“You should be more proud of the stories you make instead of putting them down with comments like ‘the usual’ or ‘bs’ be more passionate about it.”

He was right. I did need to start treating my own ideas with more respect instead of doubting them. I went on to explain my reasoning for this self-destructive behavior, however I’m aware it was not a justification for it.

In middle school, I really wanted to do all these different hobbies. I wanted to draw, be a musician, 3D model, go to the gym, voice act, write, learn game development, and even do robotics. Every single one of these things I was extremely invested in learning. However, the social environment I had was terrible, nearly everything that I had tried had been mocked if I dared show the output of my work. Skinny kid wants to get healthy and go to the gym? They said “Awww, little man wants to get buff,” I get embarrassed and quit it. I want to draw my own things? Get laughed at and called weird for my poor drawing ability. Try to make music? Beats get called trash and I feel like every hour was wasted-

Point is I was repeatedly shot down for trying to be creative all throughout middle school. Yes, it stuck with me through high school and as an adult. I tell myself I need to persevere more, but that isn’t enough. At some point I convinced myself I hadn’t suffered enough to justify making anything meaningful at all since I live pretty comfortably.

…

So what does any of this have to do with feedback loops? Any time I try to start something new it ends up the same. I start doubting myself, comparing myself to all my friends who are light years ahead of me, I spiral down into all those memories of embarrassment and mockery, and never finish what I start. I never found a proper support group growing up, and family felt dry. My family always goes back and fourth with “what if this or that?” But never a “good job” for small building-block like achievements, just nothing.

I need help, and I’m currently receiving therapy in hopes that I can navigate my way to being fired up enough to pursue my passions again without all the spiraling negativity and questioning of why I’m doing it. I want to find joy in the process again, I want to feel alive creating again. Not like the husk I’ve felt like for… how long has it been? Nine years now?

Does anyone who considers themself a creative have any advice? I’m lost. I know it’s a broad question but I want to hear from others. Expand my knowledge on my situation from others point of view.